Friday.

I really don't like you right now.

Drop drop drop drop drop drop drop

I hate hearing single raindrops dropping on my rooftop.

I am incredibly annoyed at how steady it drops.

It goes on FOREVER and ever and ever and ever and ever......

On the other hand, I want to stop my innate impulsiveness along with so many other things I want to fix about myself. Doing and saying things without thinking is so stupid and I know it but I still do it all the time.

drop

drop

drop

OMYGODNESS

i'm getting irritated out of my own impulse. everything that i do and say and think are so irrational at this point.

UGH

UGHHHHH NEVER MIND EVERYTHING.

but still screw today.

Look What It Made Me Do

my andy warhol knockoff.. heh.

- It's the last Thursday of summer. Then it will be the last Friday... then last Saturday... then last Sunday... then first day of school. I've been through 14 other first day of schools but it always get me anxious and nervous.

- I miss the feeling of putting on new contacts. I ran out and need to get more. But there is nothing in the world like the feeling of putting in new contacts. It's the closest thing to do when you want to take your eyeballs out and rinse them under water.

- Cetus Lepedus, I truly miss watching Zenon the Zequel on Disney.

- I have yet to find out the name of the phobia I have of small clusters. The closest thing to it is something called trypophobia.

- I have gone through food addiction phases, such as chocolate pudding, bananas and such... But currently I am in love with honeydew~ ooh~

- All I've been doing these days is taking turns watching House, Law & Order SVU, 제빵왕 김탁구, and... Jersey Shore.

- What else...

- I need to figure out how guys wear cardigans and what looks best with it. And I need to know where to get a bow tie, too...

- Uh... I need to pay 90 bucks for library book I apparently lost...

- and I need a haircut.

- And I want McDonalds smoothie right now!!!!!!!

Other than that I have nothing else to write about.

I have such a boring life :)

blah.

i want to let it be known but i can't because then it will be known the way i wouldn't have expected. i just wish things were simpler, like today. like today when someone out of the blue that appeared before my eyes and had an immediate connection. something ive been longing for but had not expected. maybe because i shouldn't have expected but something i felt i was in need of. something in me that cant be filled with the people that are already around me but that something else that is left empty in my heart. today, i felt it being filled up. just starting to. but it's unfortunate to see it come to an end so quick. so temporary. only He knows in the long run if its meant for me. i just love the spontaneity of it all. how ive been asking for that something and i wonder if this is the answer. if it is meant to be, then it will all work out, right? i just cant help but desperately wanting to refresh everything to start new. i just want to. i guess im not too good with this. i always give up, leave it in ruins. but i always start again. is this the time to start again?

An Inquisition.

Sometimes I feel like Chihiro.

I'm not sure who to trust, who to show my true skin to. I feel like I have another goal- much bigger- underneath all of this, much like Chihiro on a journey to rescue her hog-like parents from the Spirit World. She has Haku and I have Kevin. She has Kamajii, No-Face, and Boh and I have my friends. Yeah, I love this movie and I've watched it countless times but every time I watch it, I just become mesmerized by her actions and bravery, also her purity and innocence. I really adore Chihiro's character. These are such qualities in her that I wish to someday acquire. If only...

These days I feel like her because I feel like I have to second guess everyone that I come across. Even the friends that I've known since high school. Like how Haku morphs into a dragon and completely changes, not that I'm saying Kevin's like that in any way, some people that I meet hide their true skins. Or rather sometimes they are straight forward exclusive with his/her friends in your face at your presence. It annoys me. But that's their true color- black. Dark, hopeless, and shady.

And I have to confess.

There is something that I desperately need to fix.

This ongoing hatred.

If I want to resemble Him, I cannot hate. Love your neighbors but also love your enemies. You're not my enemy, I have nothing to do with you anymore. But why does this flame of bitterness and disgust still coexist within me? Maybe it's karma. I don't know. Your name, your face, your voice, your pictures, everything that coincides with your presence makes me sick to my stomach and makes me wish that I never had anything to do with you in the first place. But that would be foolish.

Do any of you guys remember when Chihiro saved the River Spirit at the bath house by removing all of human trash from his spirit limbs? And Chihiro was rewarded in return, a sphere shaped material that when consumed makes anyone throw up anything evil that was within them?

I need it. I need that miracle! Someone go save a river spirit and get it for me...

Or maybe it's this retreat that I need. Just maybe.

-

If you had no idea who I've been referring to, e.g. Chihiro, Haku, and No-Face... Shame on you. Please do me a favor and take some time to watch this movie. I just love it SO SO SO much, words don't do justice.

Epiphany

Just a quick blog before off to CS recitation..

but I'm so lucky, just saying. :)

I'm so blessed with everything I have. Just being at Tech, even at work or at studio. I can't put into words just how lucky I am.

Mmm.. or is it luck?

Why do I feel like

this?

I want to feel peace and tranquility. Happiness and positivity. But when I come back from everything and sit alone at the end of the day, I feel like I have to 'SIGHHHHHH'- for whatever reason. You know what I mean?

Ok so I suck at writing things without making them freaking oblivious but I'm gonna try anyway.

I feel like I have so much anger in me. And sometimes my anger blows up to a point where I can't even breathe. A lot of the times it's simple unnecessary things that bother me but I've had this anger issue probably from years back when someone retarded did something to me and I can remember this event crispy clear from head to toe, inside out, backwards and forwards. I just have a huge disgust when it comes to people lacking of COMMON SENSE. C'mon people. Is this concept THAT hard to understand?

Ok fine. I looked up the term 눈치on a korean dictionary and it spit out 'common sense'. Is that right? I feel like COMMON SENSE just doesn't quite grasp the point across I'm trying to make.
Anyway.

Just another day of feeling frustrated and beaten.

I'm the egg beater, YOU'RE the egg

& I want to BEAT YOU UP!

-jl